How Little We Know

Subject: Confidential Document - Top Secret

Document ID: HLWK-1

Classification: Eyes-Only: Restricted Access - Level Immortal

Date: 13-28-1956

Dear Franz McCornstalk of the Choza Negra,

In accordance with a request from Wormwood's Department of Supernatural Affairs, we present this confidential document detailing Unidentified Esoteric Beings, living things with a higher dimensional consciousness than what is known to be possible for carbon-based organisms. The information contained herein was sent directly from Wormwood and is intended solely for your eyes only. Unauthorized reproduction or dissemination of this document will be met with severe consequences. This document will self-destruct as soon as you put it down. More documents are to come.

I. Person of Interest Classification and Threat Levels

A. Class I: Moderate Threat Level

1. UEB-003: Woo
   

   Abilities: Forcefully induced psychosis, mind control

   UV Elements: Swingsten

   Nature: Can be cooperative, but known to only show itself to artists struggling to make a living if they gouge out the eyes or ears of their biggest fan.

   Appearance: A gobstopper headed woman lying down like a pinup girl. Does not appear to have a physical form, but instead manifesting in posters, drawings, and other forms of art. A strange multi-colored liquid seeps out of the cracks of the gobstopper.

B. Class II: High Threat Level

1. UEB-002: Twain

   Abilities: Limitless travel across the Infragreen Reality.
   

   UV Elements: Strixilon, Runica, Kaizon
   

   Nature: Unknown. Hired Runica Whizzes claim that its goal is to combine the virtual reality that Runica envelops  with the physical realm. Evidence of this is unfounded, as it has currently only appeared across random televisions and computer monitors across Mauve.
   

   Appearance: A blob of man-shaped static riding on a two-headed moose.
   

2. UEB-007: Nobel, the Merchant of Death
   

   Abilities: Omnipotence, If Adequately Compensated 

   UV Elements: Perfect mastery over Amaranthine, unlike anything possible on Mauve.

   Nature: Cooperative. Will ask for an abstract concept in exchange for any possible thing one desires. This abstract concept can range from one' soul, one's potential, one's ability to think (which we believe is a Swingsten extraction), etc.

   Appearance: An old woman in a lawn chair drinking canned tea, always surrounded by a purple and yellow striped non-Euclidean environment, said to be pure Amaranthine.
   

C. Class III: Extreme Threat Level

1. UEB-004: Veiness

   Abilities: Consume entire planets and civilizations to fuel her reserves of Swingsten

   UV Elements: Swingsten, Kaizon

   Nature: Extremely dangerous, could destroy our planet if contact is made. Nobel has told us that She eats these planets to "fuel her own ego. But it seems to also be a cry for help." More research must be conducted.

   Appearance: An emaciated feminine figure half of a light year in size. The head seems to be a human skull containing a pulsating bluish purple brain.
   

2. UEB-001: Prime
   

   Abilities: Omnipotence, control over time and reality over a span of 3 light years.
   

   UV Elements: Templopsia, Strixilon, Runica
   

   Nature: Unknown, no contact with Mauve has been made, appears to be inert. Believed to be responsible for the "Oh My God!" event, in which a supermassive black hole was visible from Mauvean skies before dissipating after forty seven days.
   

   Appearance: According to test subjects that observed Prime through the Yuubi telescope: "Everything."
   

III. Containment Protocols

Due to the extreme danger posed by these Beings, a specialized task force under Wormwood is responsible for containment efforts and appeasement efforts. Authorized personnel are urged to exercise extreme caution when dealing with these entities and to report any encounters immediately to the designated Wormwood hotline.

IV. Conclusion

The existence of these dangerous monsters demands utmost secrecy and diligence in preventing their discovery by the public. Remember that unauthorized disclosure or mishandling of this information could result in dire consequences. Please ensure that this document is kept in a secure location and is destroyed when no longer required.

This document remains the property of [Wormwood] and must not be reproduced, transmitted, or disclosed to any unauthorized individuals.

[Supermercado Taqueria] [Wormwood]